Argh – What a year this has been – I didn’t even come to write…I spent the first 2 and a half months of the year alone…Husband stayed in COS to help out his mom who had developed a blood-clot in her leg and had limited mobility. And on March 3rd, the bottom of my world fell out…

My mama had a heart attack and died. I wasn’t ready. I’m still not. We went home to bury the matriarch. I miss her violently, even though she drove me crazy and was needy and overbearing and manipulative…she loved me unconditionally and our relationship had blossomed to a sunflower where we were open and honest with each other. If I am truthful, I shall be forever grateful that when she died we were in a great phase of our relationship – there were no harsh words, unkind thoughts or unsaid desires.

My dad came back with me and it was so hard to watch his grief while carrying mine. So very very hard. He stayed for two months and then in June I took him back home. It was hard to leave him but we knew he had to go.

In the time my dad was here, husband came home from COS and it seemed like we were learning to know each other again …and then I left to go home to SA for 3 weeks…argh …and despite all of that we have grown closer and I am so happy for all our possibilities. His family visits us and embraces me and my mother in law is a God send and enfolds me in love. I am supremely grateful.

Anyway, when I got back from SA I was informed that I had not gotten the HoD position I had applied for at my college. At first I was miffed, but not anymore – hindsight is 20/20 vision and now I’m not sorry and got a great review on my observation and my dean is in support of my tenure.

The boys are doing well and school is good- Joel got into the Sigma Phi Sigma Honors society and Tim has decided on Law school. I’m excited for and by them.

Thanksgiving was wonderful – just me and him, a delicious Turkey Day meal, lying about in PJ’s, watching TV and then a crazy trip to Macy’s. And he bought me an Apple Watch. And I love it.

As I am writing this we just heard the very sad news that Sean Robertson – History teacher extraordinaire -and mentor and support to the boys – has just passed away due to Cancer. I fucken hate it. I hate cancer and I hate death – way too many I knew were taken this year; my mom, Phaldie and now Sean…Can we please stop the deaths until next year??

And despite all of this, despite the emotional turmoil this year has been;

my academic career is flourishing. There are publications and possibilities…and husband and I are thriving and learning each other on deeper levels. There is joy and laughter and trust. I am grateful for my life. Perien always reminds me: “Die lewe wil geleef wees”.

2017 has been both exhilarating and demoralizing. I also managed to get divorced and married in the same year – Lawd Almighty! The sperm donor, after many years of being begged and cajoled was finally strong armed into signing. It was a strange feeling because I thought I would feel so fantastic, but all I felt was a numbness

and a disbelief that it was finally done.

I had moved in the December before with the situationship that is often referenced in these blog posts …but truth be told…i love him and he enriches my life, and understands me in ways few people do. And for that I am grateful. He has been a constant source of laughter, frustration, anger, fights, sarcasm and delight this past year and in August I married him, at his insistence, and I am not sorry. Living with him makes me feel alive and challenged. He pushes me and I him. Its a symbiosis. Love. Care.

Secondson graduated from high school and enrolled in the same school as his brother. He is happy well rounded and is doing well.

He has a steady girlfriend and is happy for realz.

Firstborn is doing well too – good at school and well-rounded. He went ice fishing this winter with his step-dad.

Parents are well and visited this past Summer. Getting old and I’m more concerned about them – but they are well and traversing their lives well.

I got fired and then also hired at a local college as an assistant professor – all in the space of 7 weeks, My academic life is taking off and I am so happy to be able to teach – God has truly been awesome to me.

I have had a year of solid friendship of my South African susters who have supported and sustained me – both in New York back home in South Africa. And I have met the best family in Colorado Springs and I am grateful for my mother-in-law and the extended family for being

wonderful and welcoming and making me and the boys feel like I have a home and a family here.

I am excited for 2018. I hope to go home for a visit soon. So grateful for my life, and despite all the sadness, uncertainty and frustration i have remained steadfast in my faith and surrounded by love.

 So 2016 has been a year of eating my fill of relationships with South Africans – I met some new ones and reacquainted myself with long lost ones. They inspire me and they bolster me and when we speak in Afrikaans or dance or sing. They keep me sane on this side of the pond and we offer each other succor and comfort.

And then there are these boys… who are my ride or dies…who sustain me and grow me and has shaped me into the mother and woman I am. I will be for ever grateful. #trio

I see Denise as a reflection of me – she sees through similar lenses and has suffered heartful heartache – just like I have. I think when life bitterly disappointed you, you learn to love all the little gifts it offers, as if trying to hold onto the unraveling of a dream as it dissipates.And so…she understands me. We met 8 years ago when we started working on a student publication project. Since then we have only grown together and into each other. She makes me feel so completely myself. I can be complexly and completely me – I don’t even have to dim who I am or not be real. When I’m sad I’m sad, when I’m happy I’m ecstatic – she makes me laugh out loud and we have gotten to the point where in our relationship there is such a comfortable intimacy where there is the complete understanding in  that the one does not go without the other. We are intimate – an intimacy we cannot find from the men in our lives – there is a wholeness in our relationship. I look for her at work and keep her half of my lunch – she makes me want to feed and sustain her both physically and emotionally  –

just as she does for me. She is the sister I would pick for myself …

So the #Firstborn went off to school and has had a semester of joy and and fun and hard work and physical bodily exertion. He has had a solid first semester – Some academic challenges, many practices for football and games… and an almost perfect football season…Many Many trips to the Walmart…Some nefarious dealings… LOL…

But what a fantastic first semester. A 3.7 GPA. I am happy and satisfied that it is a good fit for him. Great things are coming for my firstborn.

Heading out to Minnesota for U/19 Ultimate Frisbee Tournament.

And we went on a long ass trip to the beach…

And it was my birthday and my peeps showed up…

And we visited the boy’s school in Rhode Island.

And spent 4th of July in New Hampshire, and went kayaking and canoeing and hiked and bbq’ed.

And many a CrackerBarrel stop…and games of drafts.

And baby birthday parties with smooth, gliding tequila and homemade guacamole.

And an illustrious and fabulous trip to Kayak in the Alaskan Wilds.

Three graduations…mine, Nick’s and Tims.

Gayatri Spivak rolled up to my graduation and reminded me that a paid teacher is the servant of her students.

#Trio

And my sister came through and made the world a better place. She is my favorite.

Athletic awards and all kinds of celebrations. So many blessings and so many joys and memories made.

And finally prom dates and other strange and wonderful things. Blessings and Joys.

Oh Lord Jesus!

They passed me and what a wonderful defense hearing – I felt nurtured and guided and there was a space for me to really learn and contemplate my next steps.Returned home to posters and memes and just overwhelmed by such a sense of relief at getting to this point.

So fully supported by my boys, more family and friends and my parents…

I left the morning with well wishes from the 600s RAs and was held up by my sisters waiting outside with flowers and cake and such strong support.

Finally this year graduation will be about me. I’m so excited and grateful.

About a month ago I felt this strange tingling sensation on my left upper lip. At first I thought it was dry skin – but it turned out to be a weird like nervous sensation that couldn’t be wished away…So off i went to the doctor and then to a neuro specialist…and then for a dreaded MRI. Good lawd, who knew I was claustrophobic?! For some terrifying moments I thought I was going to die and nearly pressed the panic button and tried to calm myself by counting, but for some obscure reason I could not remember any numbers after 14…so I would get to 14, pause, and then start at one again. I don’t remember being so afraid before…except the morning when Tim was born.

The day before, on February 4th, I successfully had my Advanced Seminar – 3 of my committee members approved my next step and asked me to set a date for dissertation defense, It was such a supportive and caring environment and bolstered my courage and faith in my committee…and now I am writing again, everyday a little…and I can feel some of the numbness around my writing thaw. I didn’t realize how hard a blow I had been dealt in December. Writing had become almost non-existent and my advisor literally had to drag me to the point of my Advanced Seminar. Thank God she cares enough to drag.

I have been in a funk…a zulu blues. Tired and worn. I’m trying to do better…sleep more, write little by little, eat well. I know my parents are worried about me…I’m a little worried. But I know enough to know that this is typical of how my friends looked at the end of their doc degree…just completely worn, chewed up and spat out by the system.

I also know there is life after…jobs to apply for , papers to write, conferences to go to…finding a new place to live in. I have an appointment with the neuro on Tuesday and defense date is set for April 18th. Fighting my way through the numbness, pins and needles…Onward and Upward.

Wow – It’s Thanksgiving 2015, and the last post I wrote was in February. This year has been wild – twice now I thought I would defend my dissertation…just joking…Defense set for Spring 2016.
The boys got confirmed, that was one big thing off my to-do list. Tim was confirmed on Easter Saturday and Joel confirmed in June with his grandparents here. So many Blessings watching the boys grow into their own Spirituality.

The Parents were here for the Summer and it was glorious; as well as Colleen, Graham and the boys. So many SAFA’s coming through this year. SO glorious and amazing…

saw the klomp from church under the leadership of Lee-Ann and Bertie…and met Lorenzo…I’m really happy about that one…

and then young Bradley is the latest…there is hope for South Africa. I refuse to believe otherwise.

And I introduced the ‘rents to that man…it was more than a little chaos in a teacup…but life is good. It’s not a thing, yet, strangely, weirdly it is…I

don’t always know how to articulate it except that it’s been over 2 years and it is a comforting consortium.

Firstborn has excelled and has been accepted into his first college. He makes me so proud by excelling both academically and psycho-emotionally and on the football field. I love watching the man he is becoming grow.

And Secondson is also such a source of joy – growing into himself and stretching himself on an academic level and socio-emotionally too. Can’t wait to go through the college process with him.

I completed the NYC marathon in 7h 40 min. I made it and I am exceptionally proud of myself. I did it – I have the temerity and strength of Spirit to get it done. And with it, all challenges that come before me.

As this year progressed the dissertation writing has made me crazier than ever and dunked me into an emotional maelstrom. I am particularly grateful to my parents, my brother, the boys, the twisted sisters and that man. They all listen, they pray, they encourage and they keep me from the edge. I am grateful indeed.